There's been much controversy lately about "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother", a memoir written by Amy Chua, a Chinese-American mother of two and Yale law professor. I haven't yet read Ms. Chua's memoirs, but I've read several NYT articles about it. It seems Chua prefers her "Chinese" way of parenting compared to the "American" way of parenting. In her book, she recounts how she pushed and challenged her kids, sometimes inducing them to tears. If I'm lucky enough to have my own child(ren) one day..I hope I don't induce anyone to tears and I hope I adopt a healthy balance of building up my child's self-esteem along with challenging them to do their best.
In my family, we have a Tiger Grandmother, my Mom's mother.
Gma has lived a long, interesting, good life. I'm sure she pushed her own kids to excel, but it was done with love. One story often told in my family is the time my grandfather tried to wake the kids at dawn one morning and my grandmother insisted that they be allowed to sleep in. Jokingly my Grandfather said..."What a great mother you are! May you live to be 128 years old!" Well, maybe she'll meet that goal..only 30 more years to go.
Born in Guangzhou, China in 1913, Gma was the only girl in a family of 6 children. After losing her mother at a young age, she grew up quickly as she had to help take care of her younger brothers. Her life is an interesting story...and I've pieced it together from her own oral history which I have collected over the years. Gma is reticent about the past, except for her childhood, so I don't have any details about my Grandfather, or life in Vietnam.
Although motherless, Gma had plenty of company and female company too. She lived with a huge extended family full of cousins, aunts, uncles, and the family patriarch, her grandfather. Life was hard - food was scarce, modern amenities like electric stoves or washing machines were not available, and luxuries such as meat, candy and cake were once a year treats during CNY. As for clothes and shoes, she got a pair of each once a year on CNY. So what did they eat everyday? Mostly congee (not the fancy ones we see in restaurants now), but watery rice porridge with fermented tofu, pickled vegetables, salted peanuts, sweet potatoes, and when available, chicken eggs. And in hard times, they ate congee with a bit of salt or soy sauce.
While the boys went to school, the girls learned how to keep house, cook, and clean. Determined to learn how to read, she and some female cousins followed their male cousins to school to eavesdrop on classes. However they were discovered and forced to leave. However, with her cousin's help (still her best friend after all these years), she learned to read Chinese characters...and then read Chinese meditations, and to this day, she still meditates.
At almost 98, she has survived all her brothers as well as most of their wives, 2 husbands, and several children. I've often asked her to share her secret to longevity. To this question she responds that she doesn't know..but I've made a few observations that may help explain it.
-Daily exercise (not matter how small)
-Daily meditations
-Eating until you're 70-80% full (you know, to leave room for dessert!)
-A diet of no red meat but a love for anything pork!
-Having a best friend to confide in and to relive childhood memories with (and a great phone plan which allows you to do so)
-Maintaining family connections, no matter the distance
-Living with family (however now she is in a nursing home after a bad fall this past summer where she broke her hip. But everyone in my family takes turns whenever possible to see her. I feel comforted knowing that she has visitors at least several times a week and a good friend named Barbara who constantly sits with her and shows her the knitting projects she's doing)
-Having a great smile and a sense of humor
-Appreciating the little things in life, like going to a store and seeing it jam-packed full of wonderful food. She thinks America is the best country in the world!
-Lives by the motto "want not, waste not"
-Taking care of your looks and yourself. Gma had a weekly appointment chez ma tante for a manicure and had her hair set in rollers to maintain that that "natural" wavy bounce to her salt and pepper locks. And to powder her nose? She had a preference for Coty powder.
-Taking care of others (she took care of her bothers and father; then her own family; and then my sister and me when we were growing up and our Mom was at work; and then afterwards my uncle's kids)
My childhood memories of Gma include watching Chinese Opera (though my sis and sometimes wished we could watch Mighty Mouse, Care Bears, Smurfs and anything BUT Chinese Opera), watching Dallas (she loved the Ewings), making sesame bars to sell in Asian shops around town, and eating her congee with braised pork and soy sauce eggs. Or eating congee with a preserved turnip omelette. This is still one of my favorite meals and I've even turned R into a fan of the humble preserved turnip.
She often points out that the mole on my face means I will always have food in my stomach (she ain't kidding about that!! I love food!). And when I'm departing on a trip she says "May you always meet other good people on your travels in life." Not having had an education herself, she is proud that I've received a proper education and can still speak her dialect of Teo Chew.
Through Gma I've developed some proud old lady habits like knitting, applying Salon Pas when my shoulder hurts, carrying Mentholatum (just in case! My little pot of Mentholatum is thanks to my Mom). Just like her, I also love traveling, road trips and staring outside at the passing landscape. Like Gma and my mom years later, I too decided to experience living in another country..though my decision was not hastened by war, or a desire to seek a better life for me and my children. My desire was to experience a different way of life..and see what happens.
For all of her Chinese ways, she is sometimes less traditional than my Mom. Gma used to love pizza back when she had teeth...and for breakfast, she'd choose coffee and a muffin over any Chinese sweet bread and tea. In respect to my love life, she says..."If you are happy, I am happy. He doesn't have to be Chinese, but if he can learn some Chinese, that would be great." And for this, I feel like she has always been on my side. So thanks Gma!
Although her short term memory fails her often these days, she still has stories of the past. And she has a sense of humor. I have a great video of her...and I believe that once I post it on Youtube, it will go absolutely viral. But out of respect, I am not posting it just yet.
Do you have a story of your grandmother to share? Or have you read the book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother? What did you think?
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